“What did 2023 teach you?” is the weekly question posted yesterday in IVC. I hadn’t thought about it prior to answering the question, but it made me reflect on my year in a way I hadn’t done yet.
There were a lot of things I learned about myself and others last year. Here are the 10 I shared in the group:
1. Casual relationships aren’t my jam
After coming out of a challenging relationship in October ’22, I wasn’t ready to jump into anything serious at the beginning of 2023. I thought I could get to know someone new and enjoy the process of dating without the commitment of being in a full-on relationship.
Wrong.
I learned that I am a relationship or nothing person. I can’t ration out affection in small bursts that don’t cross the boundary between casual and committed. And my version of casual dating isn’t “friends with benefits,” so there were some mismatched expectations.
Ultimately, I decided this wasn’t for me and I’d just chill out until I’d gotten over the traumatic ending of my last relationship and was more open to starting something serious.
2. People will actually pay me to do things I enjoy
I never planned to start a business. I was perfectly happy working a W2 job, but I hadn’t been able to find one. Despite numerous applications, there were no calls, no offers, no paychecks.
When I decided to become a Virtual Assistant, I had no idea what I was getting into, but someone liked my energy enough to give me the space to show my skill. Money wasn’t exchanged then, but she saw enough in me to refer me to a colleague, and that person paid me to do things I enjoy.
I’ve since refined my services a lot and re-titled myself as a Content & Design Specialist because I focus on drafting and updating written content as well as creating digital assets via Canva (and a lot of people read “administrative assistant” when they see “Virtual Assistant” and I want to be clear about what I can offer).
I get to make pretty things for other people and get paid for it, and I never even considered the possibility of that before.
I also got a paid cupcake order (which isn’t something I typically offer) and heard they were a hit!
3. I’m better at design and writing copy than I gave myself credit for
Honestly, I contend with a lot of self-doubt. Even when I know something (or how to do something), I doubt my ability to accomplish what I’ve set out to do. God is working on me still.
Taking on clients in 2023 made me face my self-doubt head-on. Often times, I’d stare at the blank screen where a workbook or social media post was supposed to go and spin my wheels trying to decide where to start. I can’t bill for that time, of course, so I’d have to dive in with a color, an image, or a word and build out from there.
In the end, I’d find something completely beyond what I’d imagined with that first click of my mouse, as well as the excitement to share it with my client, and remember I am much more capable than I sometimes give myself credit for.
4. I should use my voice more
I wrote a whole book about discovering my voice, and there I was, two years later, still not knowing how to use what I’d discovered. I’d catch myself mumbling “mmm-hmm” or “unh-uh” instead of saying “yes,” “no,” “you’re welcome,” or any number of other messages those sounds conveyed.
There was one day, as I held the door open for another customer as I was leaving Ulta, when I caught myself about to mumble “mm hmm” to her “thank you,” and ordered myself to use your words, Christine. Like a 3 year-old.
I realized in that moment that I don’t use my voice enough, even in simple things. I get so anxious about saying the wrong thing and being misunderstood, or my words getting stuck in my mouth and coming out in a jumbled mess of undistinguishable sounds (which they sometimes do), that I just don’t say anything.
That is no longer acceptable to me, so I’m learning to speak out loud. Especially when I want something.
5. I need to stop isolating myself
This one was hard.
When I am struggling—especially mentally and financially—and I feel like I don’t have a lot to contribute to my relationships, I tend to isolate. And I’ve been in a state of isolation for a long time.
“Healing cannot happen in isolation.” I don’t remember what podcast, IG reel, or YouTube short I heard that in, but it was a punch in the gut (because it’s true).
Yes, our bodies, minds, and hearts are designed to heal themselves. But have you ever seen a broken bone that has healed without being assisted into the proper alignment before healing occurs? Or a wound that has not been cleaned before healing begins? It’s not that they won’t heal, but healing will take longer, and the end result may be disfigured.
I haven’t completely walked out of my isolation, but I have opened myself up to new communities and new relationships, and I am living in the process of healing that comes with letting other people in.
6. [Seemingly] Great doctors don’t always have great practices
Listen…
I’ll just say this: doctors whose personalities you enjoy and who you feel listen to your concerns and make you feel comfortable with your care team do not always have your best interest in mind when it comes down to their (over)billing practices.
7. I can advocate for myself, even when it’s exhausting
I hate going back and forth with people. Sometimes, even when I’m not in the wrong on an issue, I give in and give them what they want just so I don’t have to keep going back and forth.
But it matters how people treat us, and how they treat us is often how they treat others, and even if not for ourselves, it is important that we challenge people to acknowledge (and justify) their treatment of others.
It’s exhausting to keep going round in a circle to get the accountability and respect I deserve in a particular situation. Still, if I don’t advocate for myself, no one else will even know I need to be advocated for.
8. Some exes never truly go away
Is it attention they want, or do they have something to say?
There never seems to be any real intention with the random pop ups. Use your words, darling; say what you need to say. We’ve known each other long enough to do away with the pretense.
I only hold animosity for one of my exes, and God is working on my heart in that regard (I still never want to speak to him again). It doesn’t bother me to hear from the others. I just never know what they actually want.
9. Family time can be refreshing instead of frustrating if I allow it to be
I was nervous about Thanksgiving weekend. So many people were expected. So much potential for my space and comfort to be disturbed.
Thankfully, it wasn’t all that bad. Truthfully, it was a really good experience to be surrounded by so many loved ones I hadn’t seen in a long time. Even the conversations seemed more honest and refreshing.
It was a good time.
10. It’s perfectly okay to be wordy!
I use a lot of words. When I’m talking, texting, writing…
For a while, I have tried to use less words, make my texts brief, not talk so much. I don’t know who communicated to me (verbally or non-) that this was necessary, but I believed them.
“But I’m a writer” never seemed reason enough to have so many words. In part, I used so many words in effort to not be misunderstood. Yet, I often felt misunderstood. But maybe that was the relationship and not me. Trauma tends to persist despite distance in time and space.
I’ve had “Be Wordy” written on the acrylic calendar over my desk for the past few months and see it every time I look up from whatever I’m doing on my computer. It has been a constant reminder to not shrink, edit, or reduce myself for the perceived comfort of others.
It’s also a reminder to give space and grace to my even more wordy friends.
What did you learn about yourself, others, and the world in 2023?
I hope we all learn soft lessons in 2024.
🖤
Christine Gabrièlle 
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