Christine Gabrièlle

adrienne maree brown’s keys to consent-based pleasure:

Self-Awareness – “It is a gift to be in touch with your own desire, to know when you do and don’t want something… The first step of consent is tuning into your own desire, being able to feel a distinct yes or no in your system.” (p.197)

Oh, how I wish I was brought up to believe this! But here I am, in my thirties, learning it. It’s too late in some ways and right on time in others. Important, nonetheless.

I’ve never been able to think about just myself. It’s a difficult realization as I spent so much of my young adulthood believing I was selfish because the adults in my life told me so (Anxious was the word, as it turns out, but that’s for another day). My desires have always had to be weighed against the desires and/or needs of others. How will this decision affect my mom? Can’t say [that really direct thing] because it’ll hurt a relative’s feelings (even as I type this, I’m considering other people by not naming names or even identifying the classification of the relative). What if no one else wants to eat [insert meal I’m craving on my night to cook family dinner]?

My yeses and nos have always been muddied by environment—family, religion, insecurity, anxiety, people-pleasing, etc.

It is a gift to be in touch with my own desire, to know when I do and do not want something, to be able to feel a distinct “Yes!” or “No.” in my system and then communicate that with confidence and resolve.

And I am learning to gift that to myself as I continue to develop into the woman I desire to be.

Asking for Consent – “Many of us are taught anti-consent practices as children, to hug and kiss whatever adult comes around asking for affection, that it’s rude if we don’t make the demanded contact… Power gives an assumed total access of older people to younger people’s bodies… Self-awareness helps us begin to see that everyone has sovereignty over their own bodies, their time, attention, boundaries, and desires. But practice makes this awareness transformative–asking if someone is open to physical contact, to a hug, to intimate touch, to sex begins to create a foundation of consent… The pleasure that comes from knowing that you are offering someone something that they wholeheartedly say yes to is sacred.” (pp.198-199)

The mandatory contact with adults (all of them—known or unknown, comfortable or uncomfortable—because half my family is Haitian) has greatly informed my intention to not force my younger cousins or other people’s children to interact with me physically.

If they want to hug me, sit on my lap, or even just sit next to me, that is totally up to them and totally makes me feel special, but I aim to never tell any child they must hug or kiss an adult just because culture dictates. They should absolutely speak and acknowledge when people enter the home, but mandatory physical contact is a practice I do not intend to pass on to the littles.

Even now, as an adult who does not like physical contact in most cases, I have a very difficult time telling people not to touch me. It was ingrained in me as rude, and I have not yet reached that level of unlearning in my brain.

That last sentence, though: “The pleasure that comes from knowing that you are offering someone something that they wholeheartedly say yes to is sacred.”

Have you ever received an eager hug from a 3-year-old who doesn’t want to be held by anyone but his mother? Or had a cat rub her head against your calf asking for pets when she’s been avoiding every guest in the house? It’s kinda magical.

The enthusiastic yes that comes with giving access to parts of oneself to someone who asks first and then proceeds within the communicated boundaries is absolutely sacred.

No Is a Complete Sentence – “Your strong and solid no makes way for your deep, authentic yes… You don’t have to say no apologetically, and you don’t have to explain your no.” (p.199)

Say that again for the people-pleasers in the back! Yes, I’m talking about myself. Because even when I do manage to say no, it usually comes out circular and with over-thought explanations of why I cannot comply with someone’s request.

For me, “I don’t want to” has never felt like a valid enough reason to say no to someone (even though it absolutely is), so I’ve always felt the need to find a reason for my no. And, let’s be honest, my no is never just “No.”

Even seeing it written in that way feels harsh. Sometimes I wish I could give a no and leave it there, but I always feel like I must soften it with more words so I don’t anger or disappoint the other person too much.

I will practice my nos (which we’ll discuss more in the post about the “Use Your Voice” piece in a couple weeks).

Giving Consent – “The culture of access that says someone can exert power over your body for any reason other than you saying yes is a lie. When you want to say yes, when you choose to give consent, you are in your power.” (p.199)

Say yes when you want, where you want, to who and what you want. Just like you and I and others are allowed to say no, we are allowed to say yes. And we should say yes whenever that yes feels good in our body and to our mind.

Be in your power. I am trying to be in mine.

🖤