Christine Gabrièlle

“Our silence is a survival strategy. Our silence has protected us against potential violence, an unfortunately common response of patriarchy and/or other kinds of power when met with rejection. Our silence protects us from being rejected. Our silence upholds social norms that teach us that it’s more important to be polite than to be honest, even when discussing our own flesh… Silence played some role in helping us survive to get to this moment. But silence will not get us to a place of power over our bodies. And it will not get us the pleasure we want.” (p.231)

Sometimes our words get caught in our throat. Mine do, at least. Sometimes the word(s) I want to say are on the tip of my tongue but won’t move past my lips.

That one time, I said everything I could to communicate my unwillingness except the word we’re taught should cease unwanted behavior.

Here’s some advice from adrienne maree brown:

Things we need to learn to say:

• No – “We must remember that our socialized aversion to no, particularly in capitalist countries, is strategic for those who aim to hold power over us. If we are made to feel uncomfortable saying no, then we will say yes to anyone and anything that tries to sell us shit.” (p. 232)
  
• Not Now – “This is not the right time… We’re fighting and this will confuse things… I’m cramping… I just had chemo… I just helped a friend through grief… I just want to be held… I’m not sure why, but not now.” (p. 232)
  
• I Want [Insert Desire] – “We must learn to say, sign, or type the truth in real time about what our bodies actually want and need and what we don’t want… We must recognize that we were taught silence with threats of physical and emotional violence (beatings, rape, withdrawal, abandonment, gaslighting, etc.) and we will no longer tolerate violence in the decision-making processes of our sensual lives.” (pp. 232-233)

And some homework for all of us:

“Practice saying ‘no,’ ‘not now,’ and ‘I want.’ Practice with friends who are committed to liberating desire. Practice with your lover/s, so you know for sure that you can both/all survive anything that gets said in truth… practice liberating the language of your desire.” (p.233)

Practice makes perfect, or so they say. I prefer “practice makes progress” (though, I can’t remember where I first heard/read that). And I’m continually learning that healing and growth cannot happen in a vacuum, so I must practice my nos with the people I trust are committed to being in healthy relationship with me—friends and family at the moment, partner in the future.

We all deserve to be safe. We deserve to be able to communicate our desires as well as what we want to avoid without apology. That is not the situation for many people.

Our silence, in a lot of cases, is just as valid as our voice in protecting ourselves from harm or further harm. Sometimes, silence is the difference between making it home (or out) or not.

But when you can, Use Your Voice.

🖤